When
I was young, relationships with other people were simple. I had my
family, my peers and my friends. My friends were simply that - all
were equal in my eyes. But after primary school and moving through
adolescence, I realised that there were different degrees of
friendship. There were those people who I would perhaps give a brief
nod to in the corridor, and others with whom I would spend the whole
of my school days if possible. Concerning some, it was as if the
world had turned on its head. Some who I had been close to would not
receive even a prolonged glance in their direction, although
sometimes something stirred within to speak to them; I don't know
why, maybe for fear of them forgetting me or not wanting to bother
talking to me again.
However,
as I noticed this, something was confirmed of which I had had a
suspicion for a while. There were not just degrees, but there were
different groups. In my life, there was and still are several. These
groups are often united by their uniform interests in each other and
other subjects; occasionally they stray from another group because
they dislike a person in said group. I like to think of myself as a
'drifter'; alas, it is not always the case. I guess that some of my
previous loyalty to my friends' attentions has made me believe that.
There are some people whose friendships I neglect, and I feel bad
because I don't spend enough time with them.
But,
on the other side, there are always people in these groups who will
say things about other friends which I disagree with. Things which,
I'll be honest, sometimes make me rather angry or annoyed. The
problem is, however, is that if I speak against them, then they will
think I have betrayed their trust which usually is not the case. This
makes me feel like my opinions are restricted, and my moral
obligations to my friends mean that I cannot express myself fully.
I
guess as a side-note I probably should mention interests which go
beyond friendship. So far, there have been few who I have had these
feelings for, and even less of those who I have succeeded in making
my feelings known. Like many immersed in infatuation, it can be
difficult to break away from 'that person'. And yes, I cannot say
that these feelings do not influence my behaviours towards others.
But we're all human, which is why I write this: we all make mistakes,
but there is a fine line between that which happens as a result of
mishap, and that which has its wheels deliberately set in motion. But
I digress.
This
is why I have called this piece of writing Garotte; speaking freely
is no longer allowed. And thus the noose tightens.
>-S->
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